We have learned a lot about communication in the past 3 months and I would like to see how we can apply those skills in boy-girl relationship situations. To put it simply, I’m talking about how you communicate with your boyfriends and girlfriends!
I for one have experienced my share of communication problems with my girlfriend! One of the main issues is the “no means yes” problem. This problem usually arises when a girl wants something but says the opposite of it. For example, girl asked if boy wants to meet her for dinner, and boy said that he had already eaten. Boy then told girl that he can accompany her if she wants him to but there is some hesitation in his tone. Hearing boy’s tone, girl will say that they do not have to meet. Now boy will know from girl’s tone that she is disappointed so he will again offer to meet but she will refuse again. So it goes to and fro and if they ended up not meeting, chances are girl will be angry that boy does not meet her even though she herself said that they do not have to meet.
We can definitely classify this as very poor communication. Firstly, boy should state that he does not really feel like meeting since he has already eaten. Girl should also make her feelings clear that she does actually wants him to accompany her instead of saying the opposite. Of course, the 'right' thing to do is for boy to comply.
Well, it seems easy but I think that most of you will agree with me that it is not so straightforward in a boy-girl relationship. It involves a lot of guessing and deducing what the other party really wants.
So, how do you people feel about this? Please feel free to share any other problems which you think may arise in boy-girl relationships.
Hi Reza,
ReplyDeleteThis is definitely an interesting topic to discuss! I have to agree that this situation happens so often that I can even see this happening to my dad and mum. When mum asks dad if he wants coffee, he says no. But when my mum walks out of the kitchen with no drinks in hand, dad blames mum for not being sweet enough to make coffee for him.
This ‘no means yes’ phenomenon happens so often in everyday life. However, I would not put this under boy-girl relationship (BGR) category as this happens between our parents and us, or even between our friends and us. Sometimes we are just too shy in saying yes to what others have to offer, yet in our hearts we hope that person will still insist on that offer after we say no. This is indeed poor communication as you have mentioned. But I personally feel that it is part of human nature and is inevitable.
Some other problems that could arise due to BGR would be the ‘guessing game’ that every couple has to play. You have to know what is on the mind of your partner all the time and do the right thing at the right time. For example, you text message to your partner, and he finds you irritating because he is busy at that moment. But when you did not message him for the next few hours, he blames you for neglecting him. Relationship is difficult to maintain. Conscious effort need to be put in for an ever lasting relationship, and good communication is one important key to success for this! =)
Xiujun
Hey xj! Thanks for your insightful comments! You have brought up a great example about the text messages that is very true. Looks like someone have experience huh... Hahaha
ReplyDeleteHey Reza,
ReplyDeleteYour post is very interesting indeed! In fact, I can relate to your story as I think that I am the typical example of the "girl" as described in your post. Haha
I think the "no means yes" communication arises because we are fickle-minded. In your example of meeting out for a meal, the girl may decline meeting the boy since she was awared that the boy has already eaten. Logically, she may not want him to waste his time just to meet her. However, this may be a decision that goes against her heart and that's when the paradox occurs. I guess as a girl, she still yearns for his companionship.
I do agree with Xiujun that this "no means yes" occurs with anyone and not only in BGR. Perhaps this is just part of human nature. I think that by knowing the person well, we will be able to pick up cues from their speech (or actions) and hence communicate effectively with them. After all, I believe that making compromises is also an essential element in a long-lasting relationship.
Cheers,
Wei Tian
Hey Reza!
ReplyDeleteThis is such an interesting topic! I really wonder why not many have commented! Haha! Just like what XiuJun said, this happens to my parents as well! Apparently, being married for a long time does not solve communication problems.
Anyway, being a girl, I feel that if I had said "Yes, could you please accompany me for dinner even though you've already eaten?" might imply that I'm demanding and needy and ignorant of my boyfriend's feelings. I would, however, like my boyfriend to OFFER to join me for dinner WILLINGLY. This way, I would feel loved and would not have to feel bad for asking him to join me for dinner despite his already full stomach. I think it is all a matter of how we want to be seen by the other party and whose needs we put first.
In a relationship, if both parties put the other person's interest before self, I believe such problems would not occur as often. Using your scenario, if the boyfriend had put his girlfriend's interest at heart and vice versa, the conversation might be as follows.
Girl: Hey have you eaten?
Boy: Yep. You?
Girl: Oh bummer. No, I haven't. But it's okay. I can go find someone else to have dinner with.
Boy: Oh! I could accompany you! (without hesitation)
Girl: Haha! Thanks but it's okay. You've already eaten.
Boy: But I want to!
Girl: Are you sure? It's really fine. Haha!
Boy: I'm thirsty. I'll probably get a drink. Haha!
Girl: Okay then. See you in 15 minutes!
Haha! Just a scenario. Hope it helps! (:
I wish you all the best in your relationship! May you have many more fruitful conversations with your girlfriend! (:
Cheers,
Ariana
Hello Reza,
ReplyDeleteI think your post is really interesting. I could totally relate to it as I'm like that as well. I know it's really hard for the guy but like what Ariana said, it is a little weird for the girl to put it across straight to the guy especially if he has eaten already. I myself feel this way a lot of times. I would usually say no but deep inside me, I was really hoping very much that the person would say yes. However, when the person do agree to it, I will feel really guilty. Whereas, if the person said no, i will feel disappointed. I think it's a dilemma for me too.
I think this does not just happen in a boy-girl relationship but may sometimes happen with our friends as well. Just like when I call my friends when i need a listening ear, I'll ask what they're doing first and if they are doing something i would end up saying " oh nothing much, i just called to say hi" when in actual fact i really wanted to talk with the person. Another yes/no communication.
Thanks Reza, for bringing such an interesting topic up and hope the module had improve your communication with your girlfriend.
cheers,
siewcheng
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteHey Reza,
ReplyDeleteI totally agree with what ariana said!!!Haha. As people always say, girls are complicated creature. If the girl ask her boyfriend out for dinner (whether or not he have eaten), she would expect him to meet her WILLINGLY. I agree that this might not occure just only in an relationship but within friends as well. However this situation will occur more often in a relationship as the girl would expect more from her partner since he is her boyfriend. She would expect him to show more love and concern for her than any other normal friend would.
In fact the no mean yes situation might happen to the guy as well. In the event that the girlfriend happens to be very busy lately and she really cannot afford time to meet her boyfriend, she might still offer and ask her boyfriend if they want to meet up. The guy might say no as he trys to be understanding. However there is still a tinge of disappoinment within him. The no mean yes situation may be more common among girls as girls tend to more emotional than guys and they take this little issues to heart. Guys on the other hand are less particular about small issues in a relationship and being they tend to hide their 'disappointment' better than girls.
It takes 2 hands to clap. Some relationships don't work out as there is a lack of proper communication with their partners. Nurturing a relationship is noy easy. Besides showering love, one really needs to learn to b understanding and have effective communications with their partners.
Cheers
Sherri
Hey everyone!
ReplyDeleteThank you very much for your comments. Its good that many of you have reminded me that the situation that I have highlighted happens between friends as well. However, my point is that it is more common in a boy-girl relationship. I think it also happen among girls but for guys, we normally don't have such problems as we tend to be more direct and upfront. So "yes means yes" and "no means no"!
Anyway,ONE more blog post to go guys! I'm gonna miss writing blogs... hurhurhur
Cheers,
reZa
Hi Reza,
ReplyDeleteThanks for the sharing!:D And all the comments has interesting insights to a girl's complicated mind. I have realised that not one of our class guys have commented on your post yet.:)
Anyway, I feel that both parties need to have good EQ to sieve out the tone and feelings in order to avoid potential conflict. As both are in the relationship long enough, both would have become more aware and sensitive towards what each other wants or expects. Maybe more straight forward as well?
That's all from me;)
Cheers,
Huixin
Hey Reza!
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry this blog comment came so late! I was just told we need to comment on 4 of our blogging group posts for this particular week.
Anyway, that's a lot of comments from the girls in class! :) They have provided many interesting viewpoints and examples and I will have to agree that in a relationship, much more effort is required but with understanding and proper communication, things will definitely go smoothly between both parties. :)
May you be a master of love communication soon! ;)
Cheers,
Collen